Macro-revision

     Check List –Answer these questions before handing in draft #1:

1)      Does you essay have an angle that is unique?  Make sure that your essay does not just repeat common knowledge.  Repeating information that the reader already knows will cause the reader to lose interest in your essay.  Develop your angle and present information that will keep your reader interested in what you right.

 

2)      Does the thesis statement clearly express the main idea? Does the thesis statement reveal the angle to the reader?  Does the thesis statement include an element of comparison and contrast?  The thesis statement should probably include an adverb clause to express comparison or contrast.

 

3)      Is the thesis statement an opinion? Is it specific or general?  It should be very specific and include an opinion.

 

4)      Do the body paragraphs have topic sentences that clearly express the main idea of the paragraph and inform the reader what is being compared or contrasted in that paragraph?

 

5)      Circle all metaphors and similes with a pencil.

 

6)      Underline other examples of descriptive writing with a blue pen.

 

7)      Show your essay to a classmate. What does your classmate like about your essay?   What do your classmate think needs to be improved about your essay?

 

8)      How did you organize you ideas? Block or Point by Point?

 

9)      Does you conclusion restate the main idea?

 

10)  Is there a kicker that will leave the reader thinking about your essay?

 

 

Micro-revision

Red Flag # 3 Avoid Using Passive Voice Wherever Possible.

     The rationale here is that excessive use of passive voice makes writing wordy, confusing and even boring.  Often beginning academic writers try to add words to their essays and papers to give the illusion they are writing more.  Some novice writers even believe that passive voice sounds more academic.  However, the academic writer should strive to have a high percentage of content words (nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs) and a low percentage of function words (articles, prepositions and sometimes pronouns) in their essays and papers.

The solution is to change passive phrases and sentences to active voice-a task that usually requires time and practice.

 

 

Example:  When passive voice is used by a writer, the reader is often confused.

Content words = 8 (62%)  Function words = 5 (38%)

Revision 1:  When writers use passive voice, it often confuses the reader.

Content words = 8 (80%)  Function words = 2 (20%)

Revision 2:  Using passive voice often confuses the reader.

*Using a gerund for a subject is one way to eliminate passive voice

Content words = 6 (86%)  Function words = 1 (14%)

 

Note:  If a writer chooses to use passive voice, the verb must be a transitive verb.  A transitive verb is a verb that takes an object.  Since passive voice is essentially using an object as a subject, it is only possible with transitive verbs.  Intransitive verbs cannot be used in passive voice.

Incorrect: An earthquake was occurred in Taipei and many people were died.
The verbs ¡°occurred¡± and ¡°died¡± are intransitive.

Revision 1: There was a devastating earthquake in Taipei that killed many people.

Revision 2: Many people were killed in the terrible earthquake that rocked Taipei.

(In this revision example, ¡°were killed¡± is still in passive voice.  A writer may choose to use passive voice for certain reasons.  Here the writer may consider the idea of many people dying to be more important information and thus begin the sentence with that idea. Often the most import information in a sentence will come at the beginning to give it more impact.)

 

Working with Words

The following are additional models of sentences that use specific expressions to compare or contrast:

 

Twice as many workers lost their jobs in 2007 than in 2006.

Ten times as many people drive cars today than fifty years ago.

In fifty years, ten times as many people will drive cars than those driving cars today.

 

The school was not able to recruit as many students as last year.

The agency was not able to raise as much money as last year.

 

Since North Korea¡¯s infrastructure is less developed than South Korea¡¯s, fewer people are able to access the Internet.

The novel I read last week was less interesting than the one I am reading now.

 

There is a greater demand for new apartments in Daejeon than there is in Chung ju.

There is a greater need for international aid in Africa than there is in South East Asia.

People in Los Angeles drive less carefully than people in San Francisco.

 

People who exercise regularly sleep more soundly than those who choose a coach potato life style.

 

Fifty percent more children are without enough food today than there were in the

past. (Note: Use ¡°more¡± when referring to percentage increases or decreases.)

Twice as many people live on the planet today than in 1970.

Due to over fishing there are half as many tuna in the oceans today as there

were 100 years ago. (Note: Use ¡°as¡± for fractions.)

 

Students that read regularly can write better than students that rarely read.

 

Exercise

Use the following expressions to write comparative statements. Try to write sentences related to your essay topic:

 

1)      ¡¦.as many ¡¦..than

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

2)      not¡¦as many as¡¦/not¡¦as much as¡¦

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

3)      less + adjective + than

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

4)      greater + noun +than

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

5)      less + adverb + than

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6)      more + adverb + than

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

7)      amount + more/many + than

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

8)      can  + (verb)+ better than  

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

Writing Conclusions

     For a short essay there is a very essay format for writing a conclusion:

1)      No new information – The purpose of the conclusion is merely to restate your main points and emphasize those points for the reader.  Basically, ¡°say what you said¡± using different words to clarify and reiterate your main idea. Hence, do not mention any new information.  This may only confuse a reader as to what the point of the essay is.

2)      Restate the main idea – In the first sentence of the conclusion reiterate what you wrote in your thesis statement.  Use different words and a different sentence structure, but express the main idea of your essay. (Note: In a short essay it is not necessary to use expressions like ¡°In conclusion¡¦¡± or ¡°To conclude¡¦¡±)

3)       Restate the subtopics – In two or three sentences, succinctly restate the topics from each paragraph of the essay body.

4)      Kicker/punch – Some call it a kicker; some call it a punch. It is the very last thought that you what your reader to have. The function of the kicker is like similar to the hook.  It should an idea that leaves your reader thinking ¡°Wow, I get it!!!¡± One way to do this is to revisit the idea in your hook.  By connecting the idea in the hook with the idea in the kicker, a writer guides the reader in a full circle around the main idea; thus providing a completeness to the essay.

     Just as no joke is funny without a punch line, no essay is complete without a kicker!

 

 

 

 

¡°Advice for Writers¡±

Finding Ideas for Angles and Hooks

 

What you eat is what you are. What you put into your body is what your body becomes. Likewise, what you put into your brain is what comes out in your thoughts.  Specifically, what you read can influence how you write.  Therefore, to become a better writer in English, read something in English everyday.  Then when you see sentence patterns, metaphors, hooks or angles that you like, try to remember them.  Better yet, start a writing scrape book and collect articles or quotes that may be useful for your writing in the future.